Product

In my hair after a shower, I use this oil.


Jojoba oil.


It's seriously the best. My hair is so nice and soft!

And it's getting longer... very gradually. But it's growing!

Believe

1. Plaza Lights 1, 2. Architect of Swirling Winds, 3. Dorothy and the Tornado

Oh boy oh man

It was a long and weird day. By the time I got to the end, no, to the middle part (around 4 pm) the beginning (4 am) felt like it was miles and miles away... happening in another day. So weird. Very tired.

At school I got all excited about studying (when I wasn't asleep on my desk) and about traveling... fly to Frankfurt! Fly to London! Then I listened to (half of) a great podcast about traveling the world like an international playgirl (getting sweet deals, seeing great places, and being completely marvelous about it) and got all inspired.
Well, more inspired than usual.
I also re-listened to a good podcast about making magic and manifesting. Oooo. My favorite blogger had something similar to say on the subject.

Being showered with blessings by the universe is fun and exciting, and it happens to me regularly, but when you feel a bit melancholy (as I do now) you risk attracting melancholy and lonesome things, instead of exciting and interesting things.

So that's what I believe, anyway.

Miss

Tonight when I went to eikaiwa
my old teacher was there
Little Miss Seaweed

Oh my goodness, I can't believe how much I missed her!!
She's this amazing person. So strange for a Japanese person. But I'm strange too so I think she's wonderful and normal.
With this great smile, and and always laughing and making strange noises. Telling weird stories and making jokes.


She has been in Germany this past... year and a half.
When I first came to Japan she sat next to me, and we talked and laughed and drank tea and ate sweets together.
Hopefully she will come back, to Japan, and to the same school, and sit next to me again. Actually talking with her tonight made me sad that I'm leaving.....IN A YEAR. WHAT.

But it would be a nice sort of circle to my time here.

Frown

BLARGH life got really lame all of a sudden >:( I've been feeling really crappy and lonely lately -- this past week at work was sort of heel-dragging and dull. I read a lot of Anna Karenina because I had so much time. But the book is electronic, so I can't see how many pages are left. WHEN WILL IT END ALREADY??

Anyway I thought Friday would be good because I could go to the Education Center to help put together the Summer edition of our "book full of suggestions about how to teach the children". Overall it was an OK time, but maybe my expectations were too high or something, because I was in a crappy mood the whole time... my main homey Dianne wasn't there, and I was the only person who brought a lunch, so I wound up sitting in the collating room by myself for lunch... until, thank god, Boss Victor showed up and talked with me and shared in my cucumber and cake. I'm thankful for that.

I blame the previous week , hormones, and the fact that I'm not really so tight with the folks there. It was like being alone in a crowd, like at work, except it was with English-speaking people, which somehow makes it much much worse.


Today dawned windy, and I was all optimistic. I had a friend coming in to enjoy a music concert with me, and we would drink some coffee and gossip happily and I could just put all this negative feeling behind me and all would be well. Optimistic (or more accurately, in a slightly better mood) I got many things accomplished this morning, and came home to do some housework and get ready for the afternoon evening.

And she cancelled on me -- or rather, was going to a different music concert with different people, and basically expected me to rework my plans and join up with them, instead of the other way around. Not to be a bitch, but I think I rearrange my life a lot for folks, and this was just... well... I can hardly justify this, I guess. We make plans, according to wisdom, with the expectation that they won't come to pass. This is typical. So I shouldn't be disappointed. I shouldn't be so angry that the only human interaction I've had today was with shop keepers. I should have gone out and made my own interactions. Damn her, it's a big pile of camels back straws and I don't even feel I have the right to get all shouty about it. I want to shout SO BAD.

Grr grr grr


It's so weird because it was actually a good day, and I got something nice done, and I'm technically happy with it, and the weather is great... but if it's all so good, why do I feel so lousy?

Deep

Hm new template designer. I don't know about that. But I'll probably have to try it out anyway.





1. Cookie Splash V.1, 2. Cookie splash! v6, 3. Cookie Splash II, 4. coffee splash


Like the Chinese fortune cookie paper on my wall says, "You tend to have deeper thoughts than you are able to express to others". It reminds me of why I was such a lousy student of philosophy. I could see both sides of the argument, and was never able to articulate myself. I couldn't stick to my guns because I didn't have a gun to stick to. And if I ever got passionate or felt injustice or worked out how the other guy was in the wrong, by the time I got around to figuring out how to express it, I had already seen the other side of the argument and decided it wasn't worth the fight.

Stupid Chinese fortune cookie! Sometimes I wish I was simple-minded.

Dark dark dark

This is not so serious... Serious stuff is over here.

But today had some non-serious points as well.

For example, someone asked me today what "Irresitiblement" meant.
(by Sylvie Vartan) but that's not the version I know. Actually, I'm listening to that version now, and I hate it. I like it by The Eccentric Opera.

They do it better. So there.

Um

actually

it's really weird to try and listen with the loud Awa Odori drums in the background.
Get out of my park!
It's as bad as the stupid black dog who barks EVERY DAMN MORNING at 5:30 while his owner chats with other dog owners at the foot of the footbridge. I hate that dog. I want him to shut up. I want his owner to sleep in and not take him out where he can bother people. People who are sleeping. Like me. I want him to fall in love with one of the other dogs so that he is too busy sniffing that dog's butt to bark.

I really like this song lately:



and the chorus tune in this one:



now you're a ghost!

Lately

The other day I made carrot cake and cream cheese frosting in my tiny microwave. YUM! It did indeed disturb me a little bit to enjoy so much raw butter and cream cheese (ew, when you think about it) but my goodness do I love carrot cake. I ate heaps, and that was after giving away 3 cakes to my eikaiwa students and my shamisen teacher. Cake diplomacy!!

Yesterday I finally sat down and went through my videos from China. They are pretty awesome, but unfortunately look terrible on youtube. I don’t understand this, because the quality isn’t bad to begin with. Perhaps I need to change it around before uploading.

Today at school I have two lessons; origami, and bingo. WHOA. In other words, reading practice, and number practice, hooray. But at the end of the first class, we all made origami wrestlers, and made them fight on cardboard box rings. You tap your fingers on the box to make them move (or if you’re a jerk, you slam your hand down hard and it pops your opponent into the air. HOORAY! VICTORY!!)
My fighter did alright at first, but then fell over and lost repeatedly. I bet you could play this on airplane tray tables quite easily. You could even do sumo purification with the airline meal salt packets, and make a rope ring out of paper napkins.

June is supposed to be the rainy season, but we haven’t seen much of that yet. Actually it’s been beautiful, James and I went to USJ this weekend and had absolutely perfect weather. I keep looking outside and seeing sunshine and fluffy clouds. I almost wish it would be rainy and miserable, so I wouldn’t be so cabin-feverish when stuck indoors.

Life is pretty easy-peasy at the moment. I have several projects going, some secret, some public, some long-term, some short-term. It’s nice to have a variety of things to focus on. One of them is doing a piano piece in public, the thought of which makes me nauseous, but I volunteered myself for it so I can’t really complain too much.

Bah

I failed to make a lunch, because my sandwich break wouldn't fit in my lunch box. So I ate the sandwich for breakfast. Then I ruined 3 pairs of stockings and was late for school. HOORAY. I am skipping out of my Awa Odori rehearsal to take a mental health night.

Mental health night means doing the dishes and picking up the clothes I threw on the floor this morning. It also means doing music practice, and taking a bath, and watching Glee and Doctor Who. And eating sandwiches and cheese. And maybe just maybe, it will mean some arts and crafts.

But most of the time I am sure it will mean, as it usually does, that I will spend time doing nothing in particular, all the while wishing desperately that I was doing something else.

Pah

I think I can relax today. I usually have classes, but maybe I don't....?

Last night I went to my eikaiwa, and realized that I got a bigger reaction for cutting my hair shorter than I did for the initial lop-10-inches-off short cut. I used my own scissors in the sink (there is hair everywhere despite cleaning attempts) and to me, it looks exactly the same but without the floppy "I'm Hanna Montana's TV brother" look. So, that's a bit strange.

I'm happy today because I get to use my new bento box for the first time. Since I bought it at least 3 weeks ago. The thing is, I am too powerful lazy to make lunch/buy lunch goods/be prepared. But today is different, today is a day of left-over sandwiches and adorable carrot cakes. And salad.

Doesn't sound like much, but it'll fill the box. And that's something.

Wish bracelet

Last year at my school cultural festival, I bought a wish bracelet. It's a embroidery-thread bracelet that you wear, making a wish as you tie it on. When it wears off and breaks, your wish is supposed to come true.

1. Pick up your wish, 2. ★, 3. ★

Today I was out at the river with James, riding bikes in the sun and listening to the water, alone in our thoughts and together in everything else. I looked down at my wrist, and saw that my bracelet was gone. I don't know when that happened. It can't have been long ago.

Did my wish come true? I'm not sure, actually! For a long time, I thought my wish already came true, but now that the bracelet is gone, is the wish gone? Did I jump too soon into thinking "I got it!"?

Hahahaha... got to remember that people have to make their own wish come true, in the end (says the girl who wishes on everything from clock times to pennies to stars)

I can feel things changing around me, and I'm not sure what to do about it yet.
Oh my god, what if you have to keep the bracelet after it falls off? And bury it in a special shrine or something? oh my god, and I lost it!!

I had a good day today!

Now I am having a food coma because I ate all my daily food in too short a time. Foolish me!

I'm having a relaxing night, eating dinner and watching "My Favorite Year". And blogging. At the same time. Dinner is curry, same as yesterday dinner, and lunch, and the day before dinner. I'm getting pretty sick of it, and I'm also sick of how it keeps exploding in the microwave.

Rumor has it there is a letter swooping my way, and I'm swapping stories online already. It's something good to look forward to.

I'm also looking forward to arts & crafts this weekend, and having open windows. I leave my curtains open at night, and in the morning the sun shines directly in on my bed. I'll get a tan just by sleeping, and that's crazy.

I used to write all the time like I was an authority on something, but the fact is, I'm really not... an authority on my own life, maybe. Which is good. My life, that is. A good life. I'm perfectly at ease. A student stopped me on the way out the gate today, and I walked him nearly all the way to his juku, talking about various things. A good kid.

Today is my dad's birthday! He is older now.

Tears!

There were tears in my eyes at the end of LOST, and tears in my eyes all during WICKED. I can't say in proper words my feelings. I won't really try...

Oh yes indeed I had a good weekend.
There should be photos, but there are not... maybe later. I have some in mind.

Wicked I have loved for a long time, and I finally saw it. Lost I have enjoyed recently, and it ended in a way of which I approve.



But now I have to stop watching television, because I have watched far, far too much and soon my brain will dry up and drop out. Instead, I oughta be inventing a new civilization or something.

Actually my brain is busy trying to sort out how time worked/got messed up/jumped back after the bomb went off on the island. Today I was working with the idea that it was the island moving about in time, not the survivors. I drew a lot of pictures of timelines looping and parallel lines and islands with tiny palm trees, but I didn't come up with any idea that satisfied me. Also I forgot a lot of details that I needed, for example when they went, and who they saw in which times.

Fuu. I can't be bothered right now, because I want to sleep!

Letters

Today I was at work, cleaning up my computer. I was doing other stuff, but the accumulation of crap on my computer was becoming overwhelming… a huge jumble of files and scraps dating back to 2004. To tell the truth, some of the files are from 2002, dragged over from my old computer after I graduated high school.

I am SO PLEASED with my computer for lasting this long. Every so often I think I should put it out to pasture and get a new slicker better unit, but this one has served me so well for so long that I can’t see why I should leave it by the wayside, just because it’s old.

Anyway, while sorting things into new folders, I found a document called “Madam”, created March 19, 2007. It’s a love letter from a spurned lover to ‘Marie’, and I didn’t write it. Some googling has not provided me with answers. It’s definitely weird. Here it is;



1. ★, 2. ★, 3. ★

Madame:
Can it really be that I must never see you again? This question haunts me, for my heart has already come to feel your absence as a great privatation. When I learned that you had stopped posing, and that I was unwittingly cause, I felt strangely sad.
I wanted to write you, even though I am not given to writing; one almost always regrets it. But I run no risk, since my mind is made up to give myself to you for good and all.
You know our long talk on Thursday was most strange. It has changed my whole state and makes me write this letter.
Think of a man saying: “I love you,” and begging, and a woman answering: “Love you? I? Never! There is but one I love, and woe to anyone who follows, for he would earn my coldness and contempt”. And this same man, for the pleasure of looking longer into your eyes, lets you talk of another, talk of nothing but him, warm your blood for him alone, and think only of him. All these avowals have changed you, most strangely, from a merely desirable woman into a woman that I love for her candor, for her passion, for her directness, for her youth, and for her folly.
I have lost greatly by these explanations, since you were so decided that I had to submit at once. But you, madame, have greatly gained, for you have inspired my respect and deep esteem. Live ever thus and treasure the passion that makes you so lovely and so happy.
Come back, I beg, and I will make my longings gentle and modest. I deserved your contempt when I answered that I would be content with crumbs. I lied. Oh, but if you only knew how lovely you were that evening. I dare not be commonplace with compliments, but your eyes, your mouth, your whole living and moving person comes before my closed eyes and I feel it has come to stay.
Come back, I beg you on my knees. I do not say that you will find me free from love. However you cannot keep my longings from haunting your arms, your lovely hands, your eyes where all your life is gathered, your whole adorable body, no, you cannot stop that. But fear not; you are something I worship, and could never defile. I shall always see you as radiant as I did. Your whole person is so good, so beautiful, and so sweet to breathe. For me you are life and motion, no so much because of your quick gesture and the violent side of your nature, as because of your eyes, that cannot but inspire a poet with deathless love. How can I tell you how much I love your eyes and all your beauty? You blend two warring graces, the grace of the child and the grace of the woman. Oh, believe me when I tell you from the bottom of my heart that you are adorable and that I love you deeply. The feeling is virtuous that binds me to you forever. Do what I will, you are henceforth my talisman and my strength. I love you, Marie, there’s no denying that, but the love that I feel is the love the Christian for his God. It would be sacrilege to give and earthly and often shameful name to this bodiless and mystical cult, this suave and chaste attraction that unites my soul to yours, whether you will or no. I was dead and you gave me life. Oh, you little know how much! I own you, for your angel glance struck unknown joys into me, your eyes drew me into the soul’s bliss, into all that is perfect and delicate. Henceforth, you are my one dream, my passion, and my loveliness; you are the part of myself that a spiritual essence has shaped.
Through you, Marie, I shall be strong and great. Like Petrarch, I will immortalize my Laura. Be my guardian Angel, my Muse and my Madonna, and lead me on the path to Beauty.
Do answer me one word, I beg you, just one. Everyone’s life has doubtful and decisive days when a token of friendship, a look, a scribbled something will fling us into silliness of madness. I swear to you that I am such a state. A word from you would be a blessing to gaze on and learn by heart. Could you but know how I love you. Here, I fling myself at your feet: one word, say one word… No, you will not!
Happy, a thousand times happy, must be the man whom you have chosen out of all, you who are so wise and fair and gifted, all desire, spirit, and heart. What woman could ever take your place! I dare not ask to see you, lest you refuse. I had rather wait.
I shall wait for years, and when you see yourself loved with respect, with complete disinterestedness, then you will recall that you started by treating me badly, and you will own that you did wrong.
Anyways, I am not free to ward off what blows the idol may please to strike at me. You were pleased to show me the door. I am pleased to adore you. The matter is settled.



seems unfinished to me.

Strange, innit. Wish I knew who wrote it, and why it’s on my computer.

1. ★, 2. ★, 3. ★

Rain forecasted for today. Nothing happened, but big black cloud boiled up to the south. I'm not afraid of that! I had to face the wind all the way out to James', but on the way home it gave me a push in the right direction.

Today was good to me. I was bored, for most of it, but I could spend some time daydreaming.

Japan is in that good transition time between cold and hot.

May

1. Kyoshitsu, 2. China Great Wall, 3. Great Wall, Jinshanling, 4. Holding Hands


Back, after a spell.

What do you say, at this point?
Not a rehash of the last... 2 years. But it's May again, 2 years later, and I'm also 2 years later.

Dianne told me on my right palm, it shows your life in conscious interpretation and choice. On my right palm, I have three life lines, it looks like. Three lives! Does that mean three at once, or three eras to my life? If it's three eras, I reckon I'm on number 2.

I thought about starting fresh, but going on a new blog is hard for me... the momentum to write is difficult to jump-start. Plus, I like all the photos in this one. There is a blog service, tumblr, that is all about photos. Just blogs full of photos. I love reading tumblr blogs, in particular this one.
But I can't spend all my time reblogging, so I'm staying here with my mosaics and my memories. And my shorthand and the old things.

Ah anyway... I won't be waxing too long. Or being poetical. I hope. I am... 2 years older? And maybe a little more realistic.

Hey, it's all good. Today is very warm and sunshiney.